I woke up late today and it was really hot outside my room. I just felt like crawling towards the door. Accepting the fact that we need to move to live, I managed to pull myself.
As I entered my Kitchen for breakfast, something was just stinging behind my neck and my head was damn heavy. I didn’t felt like going for the coffee so I just put the water to boiling. Wondering about the “self” I kept caged inside me. I took my intense black tea and picked my iPhone to see any notifications on it. Meanwhile my sister offered me a piece of macron cake.
As I settled myself on the couch, my head was hurting and my back was aching. Maybe I slept late last night. Not maybe, another thought struck me. Definitely I was up late, trying to figure out my life, trying to untangle all the clutter in my mind. I felt like writing something but I was too tired to. I needed some listener and yes I founded one too. Even then I hadn’t freed myself.
Right now, I am sweating due to the state I am in. Too many thoughts and my hands can’t type them. Although I am a wild writer but something is stopping me. It is keeping my hold.
As the strong whiff of my flavored black tea hit my senses, I came to a clearing. It always helps me to clear my mind.
But as I munched on the macron topping, I was in a battle between my two inner selves. My extroverted soul and my introverted heart, both were indulged in a deep conversation already.
I kept asking myself if I was being myself or I was pretending to be someone else. If I was, then for how long I had been pretending. We always hear that line “be yourself” and “keep your “individuality” intact.
What does that mean in a real setting? Like seriously, I came across all these thoughts when I was having a conversation to someone last night, probably after a few days. In the middle of it, I was being questioned,
Me: You know, I don’t lie to you.
-“Do I really need to tell you, when you are not being yourself?”
Me: I am being myself and I always do.
-“No, you are being shy.”
Me: I am never shy… life is too short to be living with fears and shyness.
I don’t fear it….or at least as much as I need to
-“everyone is shy…maybe you are a little less. You try, not to be but still you are!”
Me: okay, I’ll be myself again…soon. )
But wait a second, what is this ‘-self’ that we all try to conserve.Well, self-delusion is the greatest of all human talents and it keeps us sane and alive.
We are just the outcomes of the things that made us, that surround us, those who and those things that inspire us.
No matter, how much we disagree, but it’s a fact. We are reshaped every now and then, nobody is the same they were five years back and I am sure they will not be the same five years later. Today who we are… is surely some product of that what was dropped on us, our culture, our society, the places where we are considered as a local, the things we do first in the morning, the rituals we follow during the day, the temperature at which we close our eyes, the things we see, the type of food we mostly eat, the clothes we wear, the places we shop, the brands we like, the things we buy and those we lose, the workplace or the institution where we go and many more such factors that shape us into who we are today or should I say who we pretend to be.
In many cases, all these factors are same leading to same personalities. That doesn’t mean we are facsimile of others. It’s just we all are prototypes having appreciable similarities and a few respectable differences. Some people have completely different approach; you can say non conformists. And you don’t know what type of hell they are going through. It’s like someone is stabbing a knife down their throats when they are told to conform to all moralities and when they pretend to be normal just because they had to fit in the society. Never think they are being illusory because you don’t know the struggle going in their control center. We better leave this debate because some questions are never answered and some words are better left unsaid.
Whenever you hear; be yourself. Just think they are saying just “be attached to your people and just don’t stop liking the things if other people label them as weird”.
On a lighter note, I will never stop eating soup in summer just because some people call it weird, even in the scorching heat.
The real self will always remain an illusion and it’s better to say delusion because we all had this point in life where we stopped and asked ourselves, “hey, wait… I was never like this. Why I am doing this and why I am behaving like this?”
Sometimes we change into something else without even knowing it… it can be worst.
Wherever you go, whatever inspires you, whatever you adore, whatever choices you take and decisions you make! Just remember to conform to all the moralities when you reach back to your locality.
After all, home is the place where you walk back at night, turn off the lights, tuck in the bed and just be yourself. As home is the place where your story begins.
Don’t be afraid to let me know your perception of the “self” theory;
-Just your own theory, the pretty original one that struck you every morning and the one you tuck in with you every night. P.S Have a nice week !